Recipes for Disaster!

Dr June McNicholas

Try this interesting recipe when painting:


1 large pot of paint (colour optional)

1 step ladder

1 business of ferrets (number, colour optional)

1 cup of tea


Paint two kitchen cabinets. Take a break to have the ferrets in for exercise. Carefully place paint pot and brushes on a surface inaccessible to ferrets. Omit to remove erected step ladder. Bring in ferrets. Take the cup of tea into the adjoining room and wait for ferrets to join you. Allow ten minutes to elapse, inspect why ferrets have not joined you. Remove ferrets from pot of paint. Wash ferrets. Continue to omit to remove step ladder so that ferrets first cleansed re-apply themselves. Repeat process with step ladder removed. Turn attention to work surfaces not intended to be painted and apply white spirit to painted mustelidae tracks. Also remove footprints from important paperwork such as daughter's genetics essay, partner's conference papers etc. (alternatively bin them and later claim ignorance of whereabouts) Complete by drinking the cold tea whilst wet weasels demolish something else. You should be simmering nicely and the whole house chaotic by the time the family arrive home.


This recipe is best presented to the family with full explanation for the powerful smell of white spirit (they might suspect you've been drinking it) accompanied by a sheepish grin. Earplugs can be used to offset loud exclamations and recriminations.

Alternative presentations can include:

a) packing a small suitcase and moving into the ferret court for the time being.

b) packing a larger suitcase for emigration.

Other recipes in this series include The Ferret Keepers Guide to Treasured Houseplants and Ferrets as a Grounds for Divorce.

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