Dyson's Diary 2
by Dyson Phipps
After looking back at my last jottings I thought it rather remiss of me not to have introduced the rest of my family. As one or two of my future tales are likely to include them they ought to be introduced. I should point out at this stage that we are not a… … what's the word I'm looking for… … NORMAL should cover it… sort of family.
We live in a delightful little village in rural Lincolnshire. Our little bit of Lincolnshire's got hills. There is a lovely view from our court over rolling fields and woodland. At the moment the custard fields are just starting to flower, oh heavens! That means we've got about two weeks before Arthur's hay fever starts. Bugger!!
I suppose we should start with the head of the motley crew… … (there could be some bruises over this one) so for arguments sake I'll elect Julian, us chaps have to stick together especially as we are outnumbered in this particular household! What can I tell you about Julian that's clean and won't get me a thick ear? He works at the hotel which I visited and wrote about in the last issue. He has few peculiar habits, only one of which I could possibly put into print. Our first introduction to this habit was the noise, we thought it was a thunder storm, but the sun was shining and it was a beautiful day. It got louder and louder, nearer and nearer, the girls were terrified (must admit so was I). Then it appeared… it was Darth Vader on two wheels. Of course we now know that underneath all that leather and the Darth Vader bit was Jules on one of those motorbike thingies. But no, they don't do it by halves in this house because Fi's got the same habit; she's got one as well!
That brings me nicely onto Fi, I mean this in the nicest possible way but there's just no other way to say it - she's well and truly BARKING!!! If you ask her nicely she'll show you the paperwork. Fi's at home most of the day so we see lots of her in between naps, ours not hers.
Right, onto the members of this family that matter. There's me, we've already met, I'm a polecat called Dyson. They say I live up to my name… whatever they mean by that. All I know is I'm not the only one with this name in the house. My hobbies, the finer things in life… food, ferret napping, food, ferret napping etc… etc… etc.
I share a court with Arthur, I mentioned him earlier together with hay fever. Arthur is an albino, he looks as though he's had a life, you know the type… one eye, sight fading fast in the other, deaf as a post, hardly any teeth left… here comes the hay fever connection, he sneezes with a lisp. It's alright you saying aarrhh! It's us lot that get soaked there's not a dry blanket in the place!
Grace is a sandy (she should have been a blonde, I mean albino) she's the lady of the court - I use the term loosely. When she's being watched it's 'isn't she adorable, so sweet and graceful', as soon as they turn their backs it's a different story I can tell you. Grace is always last at everything. I heard Fi say, "There's a light on but nobody's in".
Storm's next a little polecat jill, she's a bit of a loner, she does join in when we play but she would rather run around us all having a good old chuckle to herself. Storm's what you would call a geezer bird or, when I was a lad, a tomboy. She wanted to go into modelling but there isn't much call for aircraft chocks these days, she's a bit on the porky side, but only at one end.
Last, but not least in the court is Sky an albino jill. Now the similarity to Fi is amazing they could be twins - Sky's a nutter too! Have you ever heard the phrase, "bloody kids!?" - when she's asleep she's angelic, when she opens those pink eyes… she grows horns. Sky has a figure like Kate Moss which means she can get anywhere and everywhere, so she does. She does a brilliant impression of a sausage dog with an empty kitchen roll tube. Thank goodness she sleeps a lot!
Well, that's the outside crew - that's what we're called collectively - now to the inside crew, all two of them.
Ripvanwinkle, Rip to his friends, is a polecat and so is his sister Fizzy Lizzie. Rip is one of the lads, picture this: a light limp to his gait, missing front tooth, bandana tied at a jaunty angle, are you getting the picture? He comes over as a bit of a thug but underneath he's a softie.
Fizzy Lizzie on the other hand is completely the opposite. 'Fizzy' describes her perfectly, she's up down, in out, here there, I don't know about Fizzy Lizzie, it should be Dizzy Lizzie. These two are indoors because Lizzie hasn't got the sweetest of nature towards other ferrets. She doesn't mind me but she can't abide the others. On the occasions we have all been together she gets a fit of the screaming abdabs, starts nipping and gets the sulks for a fortnight.
I must add at this point that Rip and Liz are from different stock than the rest of us, they're working stock, damn intelligent. I've seen them work telepathically, Liz tells Rip just to miss the paper when he poos then when Fi bends down to clean it up she heads straight for the box with bits for the compost bin, grabs the cucumber peelings throws some over the edge for Rip just in time to grab a mouthful for herself before being put back on the floor. Clever!
Well, that's all us ferrets. There are others in the family but I'll introduce the rest in the next issue.